This is Who I Am.

My name is Rebekah Bagnell, and I have social phobia.

Social phobia is defined as the "excessive fear of embarrassment in social situations that is extremely intrusive and can have debilitating effects on personal and professional relationships. The symptoms and signs of social phobia include blushing, sweating, trembling, rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, nausea or other stomach discomfort, lightheadedness, and other symptoms of anxiety."

I have missed out on a lot in my life because I was too scared.  I have been held back time and time again because I was too scared.  Some days I feel like staying in bed and hiding from the world.  Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world because I can't do things for my daughter.  Sometimes I feel like I've ruined my life because I have turned down opportunities because I was too scared.  Sometimes I feel like someone like me doesn't deserve to be trusted with the responsibility of being a wife or a mother or even anyone's friend because I just ruin it all.  Sometimes I feel like the people around me would be better off without me.  Sometimes I think about hurting myself physically because when my body is hurting, my heart doesn't have time to hurt.  There have even been a few times in my life where I thought about ending it all.

I have a hard time feeling close to anyone because I have a hard time fully opening up to anyone.  I constantly worry about being judged by everyone around me.  I don't have close friends because I can't allow myself to get close.  Most of the relationships I have in my life... family and friends alike... I feel are less than fulfilling.  And I know its because of me.  I know there are people who think I dislike them.  I know there are people who think I'm maybe stuck up or unfriendly.  I know I have burned bridges and pushed people away.  And I know its because of me.  Because of the way I am.

I have a hard time waking up in the morning, getting in my car and driving anywhere, talking on the phone, talking to anyone except for the very closest people to me, going anywhere where people are,  being in crowds, getting up in front of any amount of people and doing anything, putting myself out there, making friends, keeping friends, trying new things... the list goes on. When I make a mistake, even something as small as saying the wrong word, I beat myself up about it for days.  I call myself stupid.  I feel bad about myself because I'm not perfect.  Because I'm the same as everyone else.  Just writing this is making my heart pound, my palms sweat, my body tremble, my stomach hurt.  It's taking all that I have to post this and not feel stupid about it or worry that people will think I'm some sort of nutcase.  I just needed to put it out there and prove to myself that it will be okay.  And that no one will hate me.

I know there aren't a whole lot of people who read this, but I just wanted people to know.  The only way I will ever be understood is if I can open up and share my struggle.  It's hard.  It's REALLY hard.  I know it's not easy to understand when you haven't felt the way I feel.  I am fully aware of the irrationality of my train of thought.  And that's what makes it even harder to deal with...the fact that it seems like it should be easy to fix.  But it's just not.  That's all I can say.  If it was easy, no one would feel the pain that I've felt.  Ever.

I'm going to get help, and I'm going to learn how to deal with this.  I'm going to keep writing about the good days and the bad days and everything in between.  I'm going to become a better version of myself, and even though I will never rid myself of this burden, I will become strong enough to carry it well.  And to stop falling. And to start really living.

 

Oh hey 2012....

Okay, so maybe 2012 snuck up on me just a bit.  And maybe 2011 seems like kind of a blur.  I'm still going to attempt to do a little nutshell post of last year.  Just for me mostly.  Not sure how much I'll be able to remember.  I sucked hardcore at picture taking and such this year....


In JANUARY we....

• Took a winter trip up to the cabin with all of Bret's family.  And I (kind of) learned how to drive the snowmobiles.  Oh, and I learned how to tip over on the snowmobiles.  A lot.
• Announced our engagement to all our fam and friends!
• Started planning our big day!

In FEBRUARY we...

• Celebrated our second Valentines Day together!
• I left my job at Love N Learning and started looking for something new and different.
• Purchased our truck.  "The White Lion," as Skylar calls it.

In MARCH we...

• Celebrated my 22nd birthday!  Wooo!
• Miss Skylar got her very first real haircut.
• Bret was hired on at Discover as a permanent employee.
• I started working for David's Bridal.

In APRIL we...

• Celebrated Easter together.
• I purchased my wedding gown.

In MAY we....

• I got spoiled on Mothers' Day.
• Bret parted ways with Discover and started doing landscaping.

In JUNE we....

• Celebrated Bret's 23rd birthday! Wooo! and on the same day we...
• Celebrated my sister Britney's wedding with her and her new husband Jay!
• Spoiled Daddy on Fathers' Day.

In JULY we...

• Celebrated the 4th and the 24th with fireworks and all the other awesome summer stuff!
• Went back to having Skylar at our house full-time!
• Bret started working at Parts Plus in Bountiful.

In AUGUST we...

• Made all the last minute plans for our wedding.
• Took a trip to the cabin with our friends.
• Made a midnight trip to the doctor to have a bead removed from Skylar's nostril... long story...

 

In September we...

• Got MARRIED!  No big deal or anything :)
• Went on a cute little mini-moon to Eden and relaxed for a couple days.

In OCTOBER we...

• Had a fun Halloween with our little princess!
• Enjoyed our first full month together as a married couple.

In NOVEMBER we...

• Had a lovely Thanksgiving with Bret's family. 
• I started working as a nanny full-time taking care of a cute one year old girl named Emry AND was able to start taking Skylar with me to work.
• I reached official soccer mom status when we purchased our awesome minivan! Yeah!

In DECEMBER we...

• Celebrated two years together.
• Also celebrated our engageiversary!
• Had our THIRD Christmas together.  
• Had an awesome "fake Christmas" with my cute family since my mom was only able to be here the 22nd and 23rd, and was able to spend real Christmas with Bret's family and together as a cute little fam. 

So there it is, folks.  I feel like that's only about 1/50th of so of what actually happened, but like I said... I sucked at keeping track of everything.... Here's to being better this year!

I'm really trying to get a little more serious about blogging.  I feel like I do next to nothing to preserve our memories and experiences, and it makes me sad.  I also feel like it could be therapeutic for me to blog more about my own personal struggles.  More on that soon hopefully.  :)

And now some pictures...

Skylar at the cabin Aug. 2011

Sky with Daddy's Father's Day breakfast

Sky and Harp at Lagoon

On our "mini-moon"

Bridals

Me and the boys at our reception

Cutting the cake

Gettin' hitched

Our little family

We kinda like each other

Skylar's nose bead!

Inferiority Complex

So.... I really have been meaning to keep up on this whole blogging business.  Truly, I have.  The thing is...I feel so incredibly sub-par compared to all of these blogging Renaissance women (that are literally everywhere now) that I kinda just give up.

Anybody else know what I'm talking about?


I mean....

I can cook.... but I don't make gourmet meals that my family rave about.  They're not really pretty enough to take pictures of to share on the interwebs.  They're not always the most healthy.  And sometimes, I even make a meal that I know my husband won't like.  Because, frankly, he's picky.  And I like LOTS of things he doesn't.  And he knows how to make a PB&J.

I can craft.... I love pinterest.  And sitting and looking at everyone else's creativity and imagining myself creating something so aesthetically pleasing to display in my home.  But in all reality, I don't have all that much time for all of that.  Maybe someday?

I can take pictures...  but I don't have a fancy shmancy camera with different lenses that makes me look like a seasoned photographer.  I have not even the slightest idea of how to use Photoshop.  I like to think that, if given the right tools, I could probably churn out perfect snapshots of my little princess like a champ.  But there's that little time thing again.  Oh, and money.

I can definitely take care of kids... but I don't always have elaborate educational activities planned that will enrich my child's life and make her a whizkid in no time flat.  Sometimes, I let her watch TV.  Sometimes even for more than an hour at a time.  Sometimes I let her eat candy. Before dinner!  Sometimes I let her stay in her jammies all day or skip bathtime or eat her lunch on her bed. Gasp, right??


BUT.  

I am still a mommy.  And a wife.  And a woman. 


And maybe even a Renaissance woman.  In my own little way.

So I'm going to keep on keepin' on.  Not exactly in the same way that I've been keepin' on for the last six months or so.  Since I wasn't really keepin' on at all.  Not in the blogging department at least. 

Bottom line:  I'm gonna (try) to blog more.  K?

Update in progress...

So I'm pretty sure I've pretty much gotten most of the big things that have been going on in our lives updated on here!  But there still might be a few things that don't exactly merit their own post but are worth mentioning...

-We have decided along with Sky's dad and stepmom that it would be best for her to have more structure in her life....so....We will have her full time starting at the end of August!  I'm so excited!  I have been having a really hard time having her gone lately.  I miss her so much!  And we're hoping it will help a little with some of her digestive problems she's been dealing with.  I'm excited to get her into a real preschool and most likely dance or tumbling!  She'll still have all summer to spend every other week at Daddy's, and she'll still see them every other weekend and possibly one night a week, so I'm hoping this will work out for us!

-I'm still really enjoying my job at David's Bridal, and I'm really starting to get kind of stressed about all this wedding planning stuff.  It's only a little over three months away, and it's kind of freaking me out.  Don't worry, though.  I'll pull through :)

-Bret's mostly just doing landscaping when he gets the chance but is also looking for a more steady job since the landscaping hasn't taken off quite as much as we had hoped!  If anyone knows anywhere that's hiring let him know! 

I think that's pretty much it for now.  I really promise I'm going to try and keep this updated more.  It's kind of amazing how much I forget about what we've been up to if I wait this long to write it down!!

Oh, and pictures are coming hopefully!

Big sister's wedding dinner!

So my sister Britney got married this past Friday!  They decided to keep it pretty low key and just did a courthouse wedding, but I'm still really excited for them.

Congratulations you guys!

Only my mom and sisters and my niece were able to attend the actual ceremony itself, but afterwards we all met at PF Changs in Salt Lake for a celebratory family dinner.  My sister looked gorgeous and my niece looked like a little diva princess.  It was fun to just get dressed up and go out for a nice dinner with the fam.  Sky always loves an excuse to wear a big poofy dress, since I won't let her most other days!

Now Britney and Jay get to head out to Atlantis to spend a week soaking up the sun while we all stay at home and go on with our day to day lives.  Lucky ducks!  (At least the weather is finally starting to act like it knows what season it is)

They'll be having their reception party thing in a couple weeks.  Can't wait for that either!!

Mother's Day!

I'm still trying to get caught up and post about what we've been up to.  Obviously blogging is not exactly my thing, but I really do want to keep track of everything that's going on in our lives.  I'm working on getting better!

On holidays like Mother's Day, I always feel spoiled.  I do enjoy it and appreciate it for sure!  But being the center of attention isn't exactly my favorite thing.  But still, getting breakfast in bed and a gift certificate for a massage... I wasn't complaining.  :)

Bret cooked me some awesome egg, bacon, and cheese breakfast burritos and bought me my first ever massage.  I haven't decided when I'll use it yet, and the folks at Massage Envy actually suggested I see a chiropractor first to get some things checked out, but I can't wait to use it!  It's definitely something I am in need of! 

I am so lucky to have such a great fiance and an awesome little girl to make me feel special on Mother's Day!

Easter!

Our Easter this year was kind of a drawn-out three day celebration.. which, by the way, was fine with us.  Especially Sky!  She loved it.  And holidays really get more and more fun with her the older she gets.  Holidays are always fun no matter what, but once you have an older kid that can really participate and enjoy everything that's going on, it gets to be a little more fun for everyone!



We started out Easter out on Friday night by going over to my sister Britney's house to paint eggs.  Since my niece Harper was going to her dad's house for Saturday night, they were celebrating Easter Friday night to Saturday morning.  So my sister invited Sky to have a little sleepover at their house Friday night so she and Harper could do their egg hunt together.  Sky gets so excited about sleepovers anywhere, whether it be at Harper's or my moms, so she was ecstatic!  And she does really well, which is surprising to me.  She's had several sleepovers so far, and we've never had any middle of the night phone calls saying she's having a hard time.  She's a champ!  I think it definitely helps that she goes back and forth between two houses, so she's used to sleeping in different atmospheres.  When I picked her up in the morning, she told me all about how she and her cousin heard the Easter bunny stomping around and how they were good little girls and stayed in their bed to make sure they didn't scare him away!



Since my sister was so awesome to keep Sky over night and since I'm a huge procrastinator and always put things off until the last minute, Bret and I used the time we had without Sky to get our Easter bunny shopping done.  We may or may not have gone a little overboard, but we used Easter as an excuse to buy Sky some things we've been wanting (needing?) to get for her.  We got her a new bike helmet, since the dog chewed through one of the straps on the one we got for her birthday.  We also got her a set of pads to use while riding her bike, a camping chair complete with princess decoration, and a sleeping bag/air mattress!  That little girl will be all set for camping this summer!  We also bought Kung Fu Panda (although that one was probably more for Bret than anyone) and Tangled!  



Saturday night we painted eggs again with all of our friends at Justin and Emily's house!  There were so many colors to choose from, and we all had a great time!  By the time we were heading home, Sky was zonked out from all the excitement of the past couple days.  She of course went right to sleep.



There is something so incredibly adorable about that moment right after being awoken that a child remembers there was something they were so looking forward to before they fell asleep.  When i went in and woke Skylar up Easter morning she had a brief moment of confusion, and then something overcame her when she realized it was Easter!  She went from tired and groggy to alert and excited.  She's just so cute when she's excited about something.  It didn't take her long at all to hop out of bed and get to work on finding those eggs!   

We took advantage of the rest of the day to relax and just spend time together.  Sundays are the best anyway, and adding the excitement of a holiday just makes it all the more fun! :)

PS I have pictures to put up but I have to use the nicer laptop, so they're coming!